Everyone tells you that when you have a baby your life changes. But what I didn’t expect was that one of my childhood friends would just disappear off the face of the earth and close all contact with me.
It‘s been just under 2 years since I had a great day with one of my closest friends. She had very kindly come over to mine as E was still quite young and we’d chatted and had a walk and just, from what I thought, spent a lovely day together. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her and one of the last times I would speak to her. I think we chatted over text for a couple of weeks later but then all went quiet. After so many texts and phone calls, even emails to her work which I would never normally do, I started to get increasingly worried that she wasn’t well and wasn’t able to make contact. So then I tried her sister, whom I know not well, but enough to check if her sister was ok. The sister reassured me she was and that she’d lost her phone so that was probably the reason why. Of course i asked the sister to pass on my mobile to her and tell her to contact me.
Weeks, months, passed…nothing. I contacted the sister again and said I must have done something so horrible to her but I just didn’t know what and could she just pass on the message that I was incredibly sorry and heartbroken and wanted to fix it. I knew I was potentially putting her sister in an awkward situation and I was of course prepared that she would have to ignore me, which she did, but how could I give up?
I started having nightmares of all the things I might have said or done without realising. Had I stuck up for her ex boyfriend too much? I’m just a bit of a romantic at heart so I just wanted her to be sure of her decisions and maybe I had played devils advocate too much???… but surely it wasn’t that? Had I, in a moment of complete baby brain, been an absolute cow? But how? When? This worries me the most that perhaps my mental health wasn’t up to scratch and I hadn’t even realised what I’d done!
Then I started to dream that she was critically ill and she wanted to hide from the world. Thank god I don’t think this is the case as I would have heard. I still have nightmares now where I bump into her, I’m so relieved, finally we can try and sort it out, but she looks at me and turns her back…
I kept it in for quite a while. I didn’t want anyone to know… and then one day, I poured my heart out to a dear friend. I had been embarrassed to talk about it. I still am, but I really need to get this on here if it means just one person will not do this to a new mama. I’m not sure why I am embarrassed… possibly because I feel vulnerable, back in the school playground, and who you think is one of your super close friends doesn’t actually reciprocate the same feelings? Maybe!
Anyway, the word “ghosted” came to conversation and I took it as a random saying without giving it much thought until I decided to google it in case it had some other meaning.
The definition is this: “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.” Obviously I wasn’t dating her but this is exactly it!! I can’t believe this is actually a thing!
You might wonder why I felt the need to blog about this… firstly My blog has become part of me and this is a huge chunk of my life that I am only coming to terms with now… secondly if anyone who reads this has a problem with someone, or doesn’t like the other person anymore for whatever reason, however much you think you might hurt them or however difficult the situation might be, please just let them know!!! I also just want to let it go now. It is what it is. I am so glad I knew her but I have come to accept that life moves on sometimes, with and without people.
There is no more hurt than just feeling completely abandoned by someone you thought was a lifetime friend.